Alter the Ending
by IsmayDeVain
Summary: Leo watches Jim die twelve times in one day, and no matter what he does, no matter what he changes, he cannot save him. #2 The Ghost in the Machine series. (Don't have to read #1 to understand story.)
**A/N: Hello all! It's been awhile! I found this on my computer and decided to upload it since I've hit a wall with another fic I'm writing for this awesome fandom. It's technically second in a series, but you don't have to read the other fic to understand it. But if you're a fan of White Collar and want a little more explanation for The Ghost in the Machine (or GiM as I call her, ha) you can find it on my account titled _Bleeding Out_. I hope you enjoy this story!**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own them. If I did, Chris Pine would hate me.**

 **Warning: There is some language (only one F bomb) but there is also some squeamish description. Like a lot of it. So beware. I don't need any reviews saying people threw up on their computers, lol.**

* * *

Leo watches Jim die twelve times.

This is not a collection of deaths over the several years they've known each other. It's not a list of all the times he's watched Jim flat line on his table, or gasp his final breath on some backwater planet he never wanted to visit.

Leo watches Jim die twelve times _in one day_.

And each time, no matter what he does, no matter what he changes, he cannot save him.

* * *

The first time is the worst. He maintains that even after he's watched Jim die twelve different ways. It's the worst because it was so unexpected, so out of the blue, and Leo didn't know that it would repeat. He didn't know that the moment Jim stopped breathing the world would reset. He thought Jim was dead for real, and that was worse than all of the eleven other deaths combined.

He doesn't remember now how the day started. Doesn't remember if he had a good night's sleep or if he ate breakfast or why he was in such a good mood. For him, the day starts the moment he steps onto the transporter pad with Jim, holding his med kit at his side, smiling like an idiot, _humming_ for Christ sake. After the eighth or so time, he tries to remember what had made him so happy when his very molecules were about to be rearranged and shot through space like a freaking laser. He never comes up with an answer.

"You got everything?" Jim asks, smirking as he listens to Leo hum.

"Yep," Leo says, patting the kit, "Got every drug I can carry that will keep you from dying of anaphylactic shock."

Jim rolls his eyes, "I'm not allergic to anything down there, Bones. You're being paranoid."

"Oh, really? And how would you know that, Mr. Medically Challenged? This is an unexplored planet we're beaming onto, and last I checked, you were allergic to everything."

Jim huffs, "Not _every_ thing."

Leo chuckles, "Sure, kid. Whatever you say."

"That's right, whatever I say cause I'm the captain," he turns to the transporter console,

"and the captain says energize, Scotty."

"Yes, sir," Scotty chuckles, doing a sloppy old-fashioned salute.

There's a familiar tingling and a flash of brilliant light, and then they're standing in the most serene place Leo has ever seen. The foliage that covers the ground is faintly blue and it grows in dirt the color of creamed corn. The trees, while brown through their trunks, have crimson leaves that are twice the size of Leo's head and as soft as velvet. They're standing on a small plateau with denser foliage to their left and a small drop off to their right that leads to the clearest lake Leo has ever seen. The water is transparent, hardly any tint of color; it's like looking through a glass of tap water. He can see the darker sand and the floating plants and the dozens of aquatic creatures. It's a paradise.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Sulu asks as he approaches Leo and Jim. The other two members of the team are a few yards away, examining the strange colored fauna.

"Might be a great place to vacation," Jim says, glancing toward the lake, "What do you say, Bones? Next shore leave we'll come camping here."

"Sure, Jim. So long as nothing here tries to eat us."

Jim waves his words away, "Come on, Bones. Nothing bad's going to happen. Lighten up."

Leo is about to say something, something joking and teasing, meant to get a laugh out of his friend, but he can't remember the words. He does remember the _thing_ that comes out of the fauna. The creature looks vaguely lizard like and it moves on four limbs, quick and graceful. It slinks out of the trees and stands in the tall lavender colored grass on its hind legs like a Meerkat. At full height, its head would only hit the top of Leo's rib cage. It has a long lean body, a large diamond shape head, and a tail that's full of spikes, like quills on a porcupine.

It studies them warily, a thin film sliding over its yellow eyes and back again. For a moment, no one moves and then the thing smiles, revealing row after row of sharp, gleaming teeth. It comes out of the trees hissing and moving so fast that Ensign Michaels barely ducks out of the way before it swipes at her head with four claws as long as Leo's fingers. It slides to a stop between the ensigns and the command crew, hisses and flares fins on either side of its head, and then whips its tail around.

He hears Jim yell for everyone to get down and watches Sulu dive for cover. At the same time, Jim pulls Leo's arm and pushes him into the yellow dirt. Something zips past his ear, something else barely misses his side, and he covers his head with the med kit. He hears a phaser being fired and a hissing sound of pain. When he dares to look up, the creature is gone and Sulu is tracking its movements with his gun.

There is a spike lodged in the tree behind him and another one skewering the kit. He shudders as he touches the opposite side of the case where the point of the spike tries to peek through.

"That was close," he says with a forced chuckle.

But Jim doesn't laugh.

He looks up and finds Jim half kneeling, half collapsed beside him on his knees, one arm holding him up, the other hovering over the projectile piercing his side. Leo calls his name as he scrabbles up, and Jim turns towards him, revealing three more spikes penetrating his chest cavity. There's one in his left shoulder, another center mass, and yet another directly through his stomach. Blood, thick and wet, streams from his lips. He chokes, coughs harshly, and then collapses forward.

Leo is barely able to get his arm under Jim's shoulders, scared to death that gravity and the weight of Jim's body will finish the job the creature started and push the spikes all the way through him. He turns him over deftly, yelling for Sulu to get them beamed up _now, goddamn it!_

"Easy, Jim. I've got you," he gasps as he assesses which injury is the worst, and _shit_ , they're all bad. There are four, _four_ damn spikes in Jim's body as thick as Leo's wrist, and every one of them is a potentially fatal injury.

"B-bones," Jims gasps out. The word is wet with blood and heavy with pain, but there's something else behind. Something close to fear. Fear and knowing.

"It's okay. I've got you kid."

But it's not okay because even as Leo is speaking words meant to comfort, Jim's eyes are fluttering closed, hiding bright blue eyes that are dulling, and his body is going limp as a rag doll.

"Jim? Hey, Jim, look at me."

Jim doesn't respond. His head lolls over Leo's arm, heavy and uncoordinated, blood streaming down his chin and exposed throat. His body is lifeless even as Leo shakes him and presses his fingers to the pulse point. There are two beats, too slow and too far apart, and then there is nothing.

Leo starts compressions, he empties his bag and then his hypo into Jim's neck, he curses and he prays and he wishes, but nothing he does makes the heart under his hands beat again.

Sulu drops to his knees on the other side of Jim, flushed and panting, sorrow saturating his voice, "That's enough, Doctor McCoy. He's gone."

Leo stares uncomprehendingly at Jim's ashen, lifeless face. He presses down with both hands, feeling ribs give beneath his fingers and blood congeal under his skin.

"Doctor!" Sulu shouts, tugging on his arms, "Enough! He's dead!"

Leo ignores him, can barely hear him over the ringing in his ears. Sulu pulls him back, fights to put his smaller body between Leo and Jim, finally succeeds in pinning Leo's arms to his side. They're both breathing hard, from exertion or from trying not to sob, Leo wasn't sure.

"He's gone, McCoy," Sulu says softly, "You...you did all you could, but he's gone."

Leo stares at Jim, "That...that can't be."

Sulu drops his head as if it is suddenly too heavy for his shoulders to hold, "He's dead."

Leo tears away from him, spinning away and stumbling towards the trees. He wanders a few steps away from them, staring into the forest, wondering if he can get the creature to come back and kill him, too.

And then he sees her. She's standing in the shade of the trees, squares of light dancing over her smooth face and white blonde hair. She's dressed in a white Starfleet uniform with lavender boots that nearly reach her knees. Her hair is pulled back in a braid and even from the distance he can see the steel blue of her eyes. She is not native to the planet; she looks Terran and she does not belong here.

None of this means anything, though, because Jim is dead, and nothing else matters.

But then the girl smiles very softly and says words as loud as thunder.

 _"Go back and try again."_

* * *

And just like that, he's standing on the pad listening to Jim grumble about Leo being paranoid. There's a faint ringing in his ears, a slight fuzziness on the edge of his vision, but nothing else to indicate what the hell just happened. He glances around the pad and studies Jim's frame, but everything seems real and solid.

Jim looks at him with an arched eyebrow, "You okay, Bones?"

"Yeah," Leo says, but he can't help roving his eyes over Jim's torso.

It was a dream, some kind of paranoid vision of things he doesn't want to happen. It may have seemed real, so clear and crystalline, but it couldn't have happened because he and Jim were standing on the Enterprise as alive as could be. So he convinces himself that it's a dream and shakes it off.

But then they beam down and they're standing in the middle of a tropical paradise that he shouldn't know. He hasn't seen any holopics of this place; this is the first time he's supposed to be on this planet, the first time he should be seeing the red velvet leaves and the cornflower blue ferns. But it's not.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Sulu asks and Bones suddenly can't breathe.

He starts wondering if it was a vision and maybe he has a chance to stop what's coming. But he isn't certain and he doesn't want to say anything out loud because none of this is possible and Jim's probably right, he's just paranoid. Still he sticks to Jim's side like a second skin, watching the patch of trees where the lizard thing came out last time, waiting with bated breath and a heart pounding much too loudly.

But it never comes.

"You sure you're okay, Bones?" Jim asks.

Leo nods, although he's not entirely convinced, "Fine."

"You sure? You seem distracted."

 _Because none of this makes sense!_

"Just taking it all in, kid," he says and hopes it's enough to get Jim off his back.

"Right, well let's head down to the lake. Spock wants samples of the water. Said something about wanting to know why it's so clear."

"Let me guess. He called it fascinating."

Jim chuckles, "Actually, he's switching it up now. Intriguing is his new favorite catch phrase."

Bones scoffs and walks behind Jim as they make their way down the small drop off. The worry and unease slips to the back of his mind, and the images of the dream begin to fade. Whatever it was, dream or vision, means nothing.

Sulu stands on the edge of the outcropping, "Gonna go for a swim, sir?"

Jim laughs, "Only if you race me across, Lieutenant."

"Don't even think about it, Jim," Leo warns.

Jim rolls his eyes, "Relax, Bones. I have no intention of getting in that water."

He bends down with a vial and scoops water into it, capping it as he stands.

"There, one sample of ultra clear, _intriguing_ water. Think I can join Spock's science club now that I've done actual science-y things?"

Leo scoffs, "Yeah, you're a regular Einstein, kid."

Jim moves to put the vial away, and something gleams over his shoulder. Leo shouts, reaches out to Jim, but it's already too late.

A tentacle surfaces from the depths of the lake, coming from some creature that Leo can't see because apparently it _freaking_ _invisible_. It's as sleek as a knife, the same color silver, and as thick as Leo's arm. It wraps three times around Jim's stomach and then stabs through Jim's shoulder, all the way through his back. Jim yells in pain and shock, grabs at the thing impaling him as blood wells around it and soaks his shirt.

Leo grabs his arm just as the tentacle jerks him backward. They fall into the water and Leo's tenuous grasp on Jim is ripped away. He's left spluttering and gagging on water as Jim is whipped backward and plunged head first into the lake. He scrambles to his hands and knees, intent on going after him, but Sulu is faster. The pilot is diving into the deep end with his sword leading the way.

"Doctor McCoy!" Ensign Michaels yells as she wades into the water to help him stand, "Are you okay?"

"Get my med kit," he barks and turns to Atherton, "Comm Scotty. We're going to need to beam out as soon as possible."

They follow their orders, grateful to have something to do. Leo wades further into the lake, itching to dive under but knowing he'll only be in the way. His heart is loud and painful in his ears as he skims the surface of the lake, waiting, praying, hoping.

And then Sulu comes up and tosses his sword with all his might to the shore. He's swimming backward, one arm wrapped around Jim's torso as he struggles to carry them both through the water. Leo goes as far as he can without having to swim and grabs Jim's other arm when Sulu nears. Together, they drag the lifeless captain to shore.

Sulu collapses, gasping for breath and sporting a cut above his eyebrow that weeps blood. Michaels falls to her knees at Jim's head, pushing the med kit into Leo's hands. She's fighting back tears as she glances at her captain. And Leo isn't ashamed to admit, so is he.

Jim's eyes are half open, but unseeing. Water trickles down his face and from his hair like tears, gathering on the yellow sand beneath him. The tentacle is still wrapped around his waist and speared through his shoulder, and blood is running from it like water color paint. And his chest is so very still.

"Get this off him," Leo growls, grabbing at the slippery, steel-colored tentacle.

Sulu grabs his sword from two feet away and hacks at the thing until it's oozing purple blood and lying in pieces of sushi all around them. They leave the piece sticking out of Jim's shoulder because Leo doesn't want him bleeding out on him once he gets him back.

"Atherton, where's that beam out?" Leo yells as he tips Jim's head back to clear the airway. He already knows her answer.

"There's interference," she yells from her place on top of the plateau, "Scotty can't-"

He tunes her out and looks at Michaels, "You know CPR?"

She nods and readies herself to breathe for Jim. Leo does the compressions, quick and hard, wincing when he feels bones creak under his hands. Michaels breathes twice, checks the pulse, and shakes her head. It becomes a cycle, and each time she shakes her head, a part of Leo breaks. She's gasping back tears after the fifth time they've done the cycle, but she doesn't stop. He wants to thank her for that, but he doesn't know how.

"Doctor, it's not working," Sulu says hesitantly, as if he can't get the words out, "I don't think he's...he's"

"Shut up!"

After twelve rounds, Leo's arms give out and he sags forward. In a burst of anger and desperation, he fists his hand and brings it down on Jim's chest like a sledgehammer, jolting the still body like an electrical current. He does it again, and again. On the fourth time, he brings it down softer, letting his fist rest over Jim's stagnant heart.

"Fuck," he whispers.

Michaels lets out a whimpering sob and Sulu reaches out to steady her, carefully concealing the tears gathering in his eyes.

Leo leans forward, swallowing hard at the blue tint of his best friend's lips, and with a shaking hand, closes his unseeing eyes forever.

When he looks up, the girl from before is standing in the water. She's holding a flower in her hand, something Terran he doesn't know the name of with a deep yellow center and thick, flat petals the color of blood. One is missing, and she plucks another from the eye, her steel eyes meeting his with an unflinching omnipotence that unsettles him to his core.

" _Go back and try again."_

* * *

The third time's the charm, or so he hopes.

This time when he opens his eyes on the transporter pad, he doesn't question what he saw. He doesn't give a damn what's happening or why or even how. All he cares about is keeping Jim alive.

"That's right, whatever I say cause I'm the captain and the captain says energize, Scotty."

"No!"

Jim looks at him sharply, "What's wrong, Bones? You're not trying to back out now, are you?"

"We can't go down to the planet, Jim," he says, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him down the steps.

"Whoa, Bones. Quit it. What's going on with you?"

"Something bad happens on that planet, Jim. We can't go down there."

Jim smirks, "Bones, we haven't even been down there yet. How would you know what's going to happen? You psychic all of a sudden?"

Maybe he is. Maybe he's gained some sort of weird ESP. He doesn't know and he doesn't care.

"Jim, you have to trust me," he implores his friend, "We can't go down there."

Jim goes to say something, but Scotty interrupts him.

"Actually, sir. He's right. Ye cannae go down."

Jim points a finger at Bones, "We aren't done with conversation." He strides over to the console, "What's wrong?"

"No idea," Scotty says, "but it's on the fritz. Gonna have to open her up."

Leo feels relief flood through him. Thank God for transporter malfunctions. Because if

Jim can't get down to the planet, then Jim can't die down there. And maybe whatever loop or paradox they're caught in will end if Jim doesn't die.

Scotty pops open a panel on the console and peers inside, "Ah, I think I see the problem, but I dinnae think me hands will fit."

"Let me try."

A surge of panic floods Leo and he steps forward as Jim jams his hand into the console. There's a flash and a terrible whining noise from the electronics, and Jim is tossed back against the wall like he weighs nothing. Smoke pours from the console and sparks spit out as the lights on it begin to flicker and fade. Scotty lowers his hands from his face, eyes wide and unbelieving as he looks from the fuming panel to his captain lying motionless on the ground.

Leo hits his knees beside Jim, dropping the kit with a heavy thud. Jim's mouth is slack, his eyes wide open and unblinking. There is blood running in rivulets from both of his ears and his nose. There are burns over his hand, and the smell of charred flesh and burnt hair hangs in the air, strong enough to make Leo gag.

"Doc?" Scotty questions in a breathless whisper.

"Call a med team," Leo orders hoarsely.

Scotty does as he's told and Leo gingerly moves Jim until he's laying flat on the ground. He grabs a hypo from his bag and shoots pure adrenalin into Jim's heart. He's starting compressions just as M'Benga and two nurses arrive.

M'Benga takes one look at Jim and realizes what Leo knew the moment Jim touched the panel.

"Leo," the young doctor says, laying a heavy hand on his shoulder, "It's no use."

Stubbornly, Leo shakes his head, "I need to get him to the medbay. I can bring him back."

"You can't," M'Benga says gently, "That charge was strong enough to irreparably damage his heart and brain. Even if we could get him back, the damage done to both those organs would kill him again. You know that."

Gasping at the tears burning his throat, Leo rests his hand on Jim's shoulder and hangs his head.

"Oh, God," Scotty whispers and falls back against the wall.

This third time, she's standing on the transporter pad. She plucks a petal from the flower and lets it float down to the white floor.

" _Go back and try again."_

* * *

Things begin to blur after that. Sometimes, he tries to convince Jim not to go down to the planet. Sometimes, he follows Jim around with a hypo in one hand and phaser in the other. Sometimes, he comes close to saving him. Sometimes, he knows there's no chance. Sometimes, he wants to just give up.

After the fifth or sixth time, he stops crying.

* * *

 _Four_. They make it past the lake and start exploring the forest only for Jim to step through the underbrush and straight into a massive hole. He's impaled on five of the shafts of the bamboo-like plants growing on the bottom. Two through his right leg, one through his left shoulder, another through his left side by his hip, and one through his right collarbone and his throat. He's dead before Leo reaches him.

" _Go back."_

* * *

 _Five_. A near sentient plant comes to life when they step into a clearing. Its vines wrap around Jim's neck and suspend him twenty feet up. The same vines fight off Sulu and Leo as they struggle to reach him. One vine wallops Leo upside the head and sends him crashing to the ground. Dazed, lying on his back, he watches Jim's legs kick and twitch and still. Nineteen minutes after the attack began, Sulu cuts Jim down. He's already growing stiff.

" _Try again."_

* * *

 _Six_. Jim races him to the lake, trips over his own feet at the top of the drop off, and breaks his neck. It isn't a clean break, doesn't kill him right away. Unable to move or talk, he gurgles and gasps for sixteen minutes in Leo's arms.

" _Again."_

* * *

 _Seven_. Leo convinces Jim to stay on the ship and he doesn't let him near the console. As they're arguing over Leo's sanity, a distress call comes from the planet and Scotty immediately beams all three of the crew up. Ensign Michaels, having inhaled spores from a plant, turns violently on them with a phaser. Before Sulu pins her down, she's grazed Atherton's arm, shot Leo's foot, and hit Jim three times because the stupid idiot threw himself in front of Atherton like a human shield. Two of the hits are easy enough to fix, superficial even, but he can't fix the one to Jim's head. He dies instantly, at least.

" _Again."_

* * *

 _Eight_. Eight is one of the worst, not because of how Jim dies, but _why_. He just wants to get Jim to sickbay and lock him in quarantine until Leo can figure out what the hell is happening. But he can't convince Jim to stay on the ship this time, so when they beam down, he hypos Jim with what he claims is a booster but is really a drug Jim is mildly allergic to. When Jim starts to have a reaction, they beam up, no complications, no interference, but when they arrive on the pad, Jim's gasping and dropping to his knees, clutching at his throat. Leo calls for a team, but by the time they reach the transporter room, Jim has been dead for five minutes. Turns out, Leo gave him the wrong drug, and instead of _mildly_ , _deathly_ is the adjective that describes Jim's allergy. He dies because of Leo.

" _Again."_

* * *

One was the worst, but Nine and Ten are in second place for the Most _Shitty_ Ways My Best Friend Can Die award. It's cruel, really downright cruel the way she plays with him and gives him hope. If he can ever get his hands on her, he's going to strangle the white-wearing, steel-eyed bitch.

Nine happens similar to Two, only the tentacle thing doesn't skewer Jim's shoulder and when Sulu gets him on dry land, Leo's attempts at CPR actually work. Jim chokes and gags out water, and when he's caught his breath, he sits upright and looks Leo right in the eye, alive, _breathing_.

"Jesus, that was close," he gasps out, and clasps his hand on Leo's shoulder, "Thanks, Bones."

"Hey, I helped, you know," Sulu gripes, but the relief on his face is so palpable it's almost nauseating. Jim laughs and claps his shoulder too, thanking his friend and Ensign Michaels with a wide smile.

Leo is silent, staring like a fool as Jim wipes the water from his face and dusts the sand off on his pants. Sulu helps him stand, and Jim looks down at Leo with mild worry in his eyes.

"You okay, Bones?" he asks, extending his hand.

Leo grabs it, hauls himself up, and wraps his arms around Jim in a barely controlled hug. Jim returns the embrace, thumping Leo on the back a few times, but when he tries to pull away, Leo won't let him. He's not done reassuring himself that it's over, that he's finally passed. Because that was the test, wasn't it? Saving Jim when he's died for the ninth time, getting him to breathe when his heart has stopped and his lungs aren't working? He's done it; he's brought Jim back, and it's enough to make him a sappy, blubbering mess.

"I'm fine, Bones," Jim reassures him, finally extracting himself from Leo's vice-like grip, "I promise."

"Yeah," Leo gasps, "Yeah, I know, but you almost weren't."

Jim grips his arm reassuringly, "No worries, Bones. You always bring me back."

Something tight and painful stabs through Leo's heart. _Not always, kid._

"Let's get back to the ship," Leo says softly.

"Oh, come on, Bones. It wasn't that bad. There's no reason to cancel the mission just because I went for a little swim."

Leo looks at him, suddenly exhausted beyond reason, "Jim, _please_."

His lack of blustering gruffness must be enough to convince Jim because he nods solemnly and stays close to Leo as they climb the drop off to the plateau. Leo is considering what he's going to tell Jim about all that he's seen, and how many glasses of bourbon he's going to drink before he does, when he hears Jim gasp painfully and jump back.

Leo looks in time to see a snake-like creature slither as fast as lightning into the foliage, catching only a glimpse of magenta and orange bands before it disappears. He turns to Jim and already knows it's bad. The captain is clutching his left leg and grimacing in obvious pain. His face has gone pale and sweat beads over his lip and forehead.

"Bones," he moans as he drops to his knees.

"Shit!" Leo curses and digs in his kit for his hypo, "Shit, no. This isn't supposed to happen. It's supposed to be done!"

"Bones, I can't...something's wrong," Jim slurs and flops back against Leo's arm, convulsing.

 _Shit_. Leo gives him Tri-Ox and a booster, and palms his communicator, but all he gets is static and Sulu and the ensigns have all but disappeared, and _shit goddamn it this can't be happening!_

And then Jim starts bleeding. The puncture wounds are leaking blood like a fountain and the puddle beneath Jim's leg is too big already, but it just keeps growing. He coughs and vomits blood; it's a thick wet stream down his chin and neck, and it just keeps _coming_. Leo tries giving him a coagulant but it doesn't do any good. Jim's lungs have filled with blood.

Weakly, Jim grabs at Leo's wrist, his fingers slipping and leaving streaks of blood on Leo's skin. He gags, his body arching as the blood in his lungs overflows and fills his throat. He jerks slightly, eyes dulling, hand going slack, and he sags to the ground. The blood continues to fill past his throat and bubbles into his mouth, trickling out past his lips, running down his cheek to pool by his ear.

The horror of what Leo has just witnessed settles like ice in his veins. It wasn't the wounds or the venom that killed his best friend. It was the blood; he'd drowned in his own blood.

"No," Leo gasps out, and then rage overpowers his grief, "No! It was supposed to be over! I got him back! I saved him, damn it!"

He stands, stumbling away from Jim's body and spinning wildly around, "Where are you, you bitch? Come out here and face me!"

She appears beside Jim, looking solemn and completely unfazed by the puddle of blood lapping at her lavender boots.

Leo stalks forward, "What the hell do you want? Why are you doing this?"

She says nothing, but plucks a petal from the nearly naked flower and lets it fall on Jim's chest.

"Just tell me what you want!"

She looks at him and says the same thing she always does.

" _Go back and try again."_

* * *

He tries harder on Eleven, spurred on by the hope that he managed to save Jim once.

Maybe he can do it again, make it stick this time.

He can't.

Jim chokes on a ration bar while they're walking through the trees. Leo does the Heimlich, gets the chunk out, and does CPR for twenty minutes, long after Scotty has beamed them up and Sulu is looking at him with pity and grief.

Jim dies anyway.

And another petal falls.

" _Go back."_

* * *

The twelfth time they're attacked.

They come out of nowhere, these strange creatures that look like wolves but aren't. They get Michaels first, knock her down and pull her into the trees before Leo can even react. In all of the scenarios, it's always been Jim that dies. He's not expecting it.

Neither is he expecting another one to get Atherton by the leg and nearly rip it off at the knee. Sulu gets to her, slicing the wolf-thing almost in half with his sword before another one latches onto his shoulder and pins him to the ground.

And then one is on Leo.

A part of him thinks about lying still and letting the thing rip his throat out. If he dies, does the world reset? Will it begin again like it always has? Will it break the cycle and spit them out none the worse for wear? Will he just stay dead and never have to watch Jim die again? He doesn't know, but he fights back anyway.

He lodges the kit in the thing's snapping jaws and kicks at its soft underbelly. He lands a blow to its temple with a rock, and it stumbles back with a sharp yelp, shaking its head and facing Leo again, ready to pounce. Before it can, Sulu shoves his sword through its neck and impales it to the ground. It twitches and gurgles and finally dies.

There is blood on Leo's hands and arms and stomach, but none of the wounds are life threatening. Sulu is pale, bleeding heavily from the wound in his shoulder and a deep scratch on his left leg. He pulls his sword from the beast's neck, stumbles to Leo, and props himself up on the blood stained blade.

"Are you alright, Doctor?" he pants.

Leo nods, "Atherton?"

Sulu shakes his head solemnly, "Thing chewed through her femoral artery. She was gone in minutes."

Leo nods again, "Where's Jim?"

"He took down two," Sulu nods to the right, "and I thought I saw him go that way after Michaels."

"We have to find him."

"Doc, we're both hurt-"

Leo grips Sulu's uninjured arm tightly, "We have to find him, _now_."

Sulu nods and Leo helps him stand. The scratches and bites pull and sting as Leo helps support the other man's weight, and he knows he should be addressing the pilot's injuries, but his mind is on a singular loop of _find Jim find Jim find Jim_.

They find him an hour later, or what's left of him. Sulu drops to his knees and vomits, the rank stench adding to the heavy smell of blood that already permeates the air. Jim's body is mangled and devoured, completely unrecognizable; it's missing an arm and one of the legs hangs on by a single tendon; its stomach is a gaping hole, an empty cavity, and his face is nothing but scraps of skin clinging to bone.

On the verge of vomiting himself, Leo turns on his heel and clambers through the trees, and he keeps walking until he hears the voice loud beside his ear.

" _Try again."_

* * *

But Leo's done. He's had enough. He can't do this anymore.

He's watched Jim die twelve times now and he is. Just. _Done_.

When he opens his eyes on the transporter pad, he doesn't look at Jim, doesn't answer his friend when he asks what's wrong- _Bones, are you crying?_ -doesn't even look back as he steps out of the room and makes a b-line for sick bay. He shoos his nurses out and locks the door and doesn't give a damn when Jim appears on the other side of the glass, pounding on it with an open palm and open worry written on his face.

He's just done.

He grabs the bourbon from his office, downs an entire glass, and then sits on a bio bed in full view of the door and drinks.

"So is this how you're going to deal with it now?"

He jerks his head up. She stands in front of the door, leaning her back against it and propping one foot behind her. The flower is in her left hand and there is only one petal left.

"You stupid bitch!" he seethes and surges forward, dropping the bourbon on the ground in a shatter of glass and amber liquid. She disappears before he can get his hands around her milky white throat.

"Such language, Leonard," she says from behind him, and he whirls to face her. She smirks at him, "A girl could take offense, you know. Get the impression that you're angry. Are you angry, Leonard?"

"God damn right, I'm angry!" he snarls, "You've killed my best friend twelve times now, you harpy! And I want it to stop."

"Killed? Oh, no, Leonard. I haven't killed him at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I've been bringing him back for you. I'm the one that's been saving his life."

Some of the red fades from his vision, "What?"

She hops up onto a bio bed and crosses her legs, "Really, you should show a little gratitude. I could have left it alone, you know. That first time with the spikes, I could have left it like that. No restart. No do over. But I thought you'd like a second chance to save your friend's life. Silly me."

"You...you aren't making sense," Leo says and stumbles against the bio bed he'd been sitting on, "Who are you? _What_ are you?"

She waves her hand, "Semantics. All you need to know, Leonard, is the lesson you're supposed to learn."

" _Lesson_? What lesson could I possibly learn from watching Jim die over and over again?"

She cocks her head to the side, steel eyes glinting, "To give up."

Leo stares at her dumbfounded.

"And I think you've gotten it pretty good," she says cheerily, "At first, I was a little worried, because you just kept _trying_ to save him. Even when it was obvious he was dead. I mean, that one time when he broke his neck and you just wouldn't let him die? I was worried you'd never get it." She smiles wide at him, "But you did, and now you know the truth."

"What truth?" he asks, his voice sliding like sandpaper against his throat.

"That you can't save him. He's going to die someday, for real, and you aren't going to be able to save him, you're going to have to give up," she jumps off the bed, "but you know that now, so I guess my job's done."

She steps toward the door, that stupid flower still held in her hand, and something in Leonard snaps, shatters, _splinters_. He throws his glass at the wall, relishes the way it explodes in front of her and makes her jump.

"The hell it is!" he screams, "If you think for one minute that I'm going to sit back on my heels and _let_ Jim die, that I'm going to watch and do nothing like a goddamn idiot then you're bat shit crazy, lady! I will _never_ let him die if I can stop it. I will _always_ try to bring him back whether he's barely hanging on or already gone, and nothing, _nothing_ , you ever do or say or show me is _ever_ going to change that. Do you hear me?!"

She turns around slowly, and he isn't expecting the wide, happy grin that spreads across her face, or her soft but gleeful exclamation of, " _Finally."_

He blinks at her, "Wh-what?"

"God, Leonard, you had me really worried. I thought you'd really given up."

Flabbergasted, he says, "You're bipolar, you know that? You're a bipolar, weird alien angel thing, and you're making my head hurt."

She laughs, light and melodic, "Leonard, that was always the point of this."

"To make my head hurt?"

"No, to strengthen your resolve."

"I don't understand," he admits, "and I really wish you would explain what's going on."

She steps through the glass and drying bourbon to stand inches from him, her face soft with compassion, "There is going to come a time when Jim is going to die, Leonard, and it's going to look like there's nothing you can do to save him. You're going to be heartbroken, staring at him in a body bag, and you're going to have a choice. Either accept that he's dead and move on, or _try_."

"And you know this how?" he asks bitingly, "You some kind of psychic alien?"

"I'm nobody," she says with a small smile, "Just a ghost in the machine."

"You don't make sense."

"Life is made of choices, Leonard, and I couldn't let you face this one without being prepared."

"And watching Jim die a dozen times prepares me how? So I won't feel it? Cause if that's the case, then I've got to tell you, lady, it didn't work. It hurts just as much now as the first time around."

"I know it does, but that wasn't the point. I had to show you it over and over again so that you'd come to this crossroads. Give up, or try again."

"Then why not just tell me?" he asks, "Why not tell me that Jim's going to die and how I'm supposed to save him? Isn't that easier?"

"Yes, but I can't interfere like that."

He snorts derisively, "And this isn't interfering?"

"I can only teach a lesson, Leonard. I can teach you that you don't have to let what _should_ happen be what _does_ happen. I can teach you that just because the laws of physics say something should be dead, doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Stories are written all the time, but you don't have to agree with how they end."

He eyes her warily, his heart fluttering in his chest, "Then what am I supposed to do?"

She holds up the flower and fingers the last petal, "Alter the ending."

He takes the flower in his hand, holding it delicately because even he's not dense enough to misinterpret that the flower is Jim's life. She steps back, glass crunching under her lavender boots.

"What do I do with this?" he asks.

"Hold on to it. Keep it as a reminder for what's about to come."

"So I'm going to remember this?"

She shakes her head, "It'll fade into a dream. You'll wake up, and think it was all in your head, but when you look at that, you'll remember your lesson."

"So that's it?" he asks impatiently, "This is all I get? No explanation to what you are or why you're doing this?"

She grins, "What difference does it make if I tell you? You won't remember anyway."

And with that, she claps her hands and everything fades to black.

* * *

Leo comes back to himself on the transporter pad standing next to Jim with his med kit in his hand.

There are a handful of facts he knows in this moment. He knows he is about to beam down with Jim to an unexplored planet where Sulu, Michaels, and Atherton are already waiting. He knows Jim sent them ahead so they could beam down together, just the two of them, because Jim knows that it makes him feel minutely better about using the damn molecular scrambler. And he knows there is a flower nestled in the bottom of his med kit, tucked under all of his hypos. It has a long green stem, a bright yellow center, and only one blood red petal.

"You alright, Bones?" Jim asks, arching an eyebrow quizzically.

Leo rolls his eyes, "Would you stop that? You're never going to be able to do it like Spock."

Jim uses his index finger to raise his left brow high, "You don't think so? I think with a little more practice I'll be able to arch it just like him, and then we can have a staring contest."

Leo scoffs, "You'd lose."

"Well, _yeah_ , but that's not the point."

Leo rolls his eyes and touches his kit, opening it quickly to glance at the flower on the bottom. He doesn't remember where it came from, but he knows it's precious and so he just wants to be double sure it's there.

"You got everything, Bones?"

Leo snaps the kit closed, "Just making sure I have every hypo possible to save your scrawny hide."

"You're so paranoid, Bones. Nothing's going to happen down there. Trust me."

Leo is suddenly somber, "I do trust you, kid, but things happen that are even out of your control. I just want to be prepared."

Jim smiles and thumps Leo's back, "No worries, Bones. I've got you with me, and I know you're never going to let me down."

"That's for damn sure."

* * *

They beam down to the planet and nothing happens. There are no carnivorous animals, no killer plants or eerie spores, no missteps, mistakes, or misunderstandings. They collect soil samples, water samples, and plants galore, and they beam up in time for dinner in the mess where Jim animatedly recounts the time he convinced Leo to go drinking and they both ended up half naked and painted purple. The day, Leo decides, was rather good.

At the end of it, he takes the flower from his kit and puts it in a box in his office and he doesn't think about it again.

* * *

Six months later, as the ship tumbles through the air and a self sacrificing fool climbs through heavy radiation to save the lives of hundreds, the flower tumbles from the box and lands on the floor, its last petal severed from its eye and lying desolate on cold tile.

Leo finds it just before they wheel in the body bag. He picks up the petal and holds it in his palm. He feels an immeasurable amount of grief, but can't for the life of him figure out why. They call for him as the bag is brought in, and he pockets the petal, hurrying to the stretcher as they pull back the zipper and reveal Jim's body lying cold and immobile. He stares, his grief catching in his throat as he stumbles to his desk and drops his head in his hands.

And then, there is a whisper in his ear as clear as a bell.

" _Try again._ "

He remembers his dream, remembers his promise to always do the impossible and bring Jim back, but in this moment, he doesn't know how.

And then the tribble on his desk moves.

* * *

He's sitting with Jim on the balcony of his apartment overlooking the bay as the sun is setting. He has a glass of bourbon; Jim has a glass of watered down juice because his system just can't take anything else yet. It's been nearly a month, and Jim's just been let out of the hospital. The mood is somber and slightly melancholy and too damn reflective for Leo's taste.

Jim tips his glass on the edge, watching the drink inside slant to the side, "Why'd you do it, Bones?"

"You know the answer to that, kid."

"I don't mean that. I know you wanted me to live. I get that. What I mean is why did you try? I was dead. Most people would call that pretty final."

"Most people haven't met you, Jim. If they had, they'd know that you defy the odds, and you don't believe in no-win scenarios. Maybe you've rubbed off on me."

Jim smirks and it makes Leo's heart soar because there was a moment not so long ago that he thought he'd never see that again, "So you cheated."

"No, kid, I didn't cheat," Leo smiles behind his glass, "I altered the ending."

* * *

 **A/N: I know it's a little out there and obviously I mostly wanted an excuse to hurt Jim as much as possible. :) But I do hope you liked it. Feel free to let me know what you think and any suggestions if you'd like to see a certain fandom in the series. I really appreciate it!**

 **Kudos!**


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